A Self-Inflicting Dispute of Why

Wishing for the best way towards the best life for myself in a better world than the one I exist in today.  Current mood is sad.  I feel closed off and removed from anything that has ever had value to me.  But the solution to that would be to connect with what I have.  Well this is for that.  As I write this I cant ask who read it so I may never know the result.  The final tally is another way of saying it.  The negative exclusivity of being lost and essentially neutralized in your own creation is perplexing.  This seems to be my career after getting a Graduate degree is a field where I have do not have a place to accommodate the accomplishment.  Sad.  Not a call for foul play but an admission of lack of the certain premium held in a je ne sais quoi within my character.  This site was started from poems written in my spare time mixed with scholarship essays that I decided to share with world whether I received an award notification or not.  It only goes back to October of 2015 but what is this now.  Is it what I dictate to the audience through writing or it is what the people select is most valuable to them.  This is somewhat different from my perceived norm.  An introspective piece about where I am as of May 2018 and was any of this even worth it.  I am in a very cold very bad place without an exit plan to speak of.  The worst thing is it not being a new feeling.  Yet I dont have a winning routine to combat it either.  So whats the response?  The mirror's reflection only tells true tales.  So if I told you I have zero friends, zero family and zero support system it would not be literal.  So how about some facts.  I have nothing to do.  Some things that would be helpful would be a mode of transportation, a home of my own, a steady source of income, nice and loyal people to confide in and a complementary female partner to become to finishing touch of sorts.  Thats my ideal life which is what an increasing number of us have.  Maybe I have not attained these qualities because my approach.  Well what if I treat this as a prayer.  What if I treat this as my wishing well for money, wishing well for positive attention, wishing well for my voice and self image to be projected to the world.  Would I then become favored in God's eyes or am I again making the wrong decision for my outlet in assuming how to reach someone to help.  Help is a profound word that I have learned will be translated into what others will provide and feel you should have.  For me, it was sickness, it was abuse, it was theft and more of what ails any normal person.  And when I started this I thought there would be more of a positive return but my life has been filled eternal silence and seclusion.  A question I have is when you bring light to something that pains you do you only get more of it or will someone just make it stop.  Even if for only a second or to never return, make it stop. An endless cycle for a downward spiral is not sane to maintain.  Poetry out of place and context can be confusing.  But that the low mentality.  That's the reality.  And thats the stopping point for now.