From Inner Battle To Recovery

To talk about overcoming the demons of emotion for a return to recovery is the topic of this entry.  Now usually recovering of this magnitude is associated with drug addiction of some sort where use, overuse and mending is part of the process.  However there is another domain I would like to take this to.  Depression and anxiety has its realm in this sort of motif too.  Mental and emotional destruction of coping with doubt, fear and significance is a battle that individuals have had to face at different stages of their lives.  It can be very short-lived or extended for exceedingly lengthy periods of time.  The term is almost certainly associated with the cause and solution.  Personally, my foibles are ushered in from acceptance and being good enough.  Both have societal and social denotations brought about from them.  Though they are very closely related, there is an infinitesimal difference that I will provide detail on a little later.  Acceptance or lack thereof was conveyed by a castaway effect created by those around me.  For most of my life I never really fit in with my peers.  The reasons were numerous and honestly valid.  So part of the problem was I could not complain and say they were wrong, I simply had to find a way to correct the issue.  But the feeling of having to change for people to like me made the issue more difficult to handle.  You might hear people say things like be cool and be yourself but I was being told I did not have the same option.  It facilitated sorrow but nothing more.  Being good enough is less about what people thought of me and more about how I represented myself.  Grades in school played a direct factor but at some point I did not want to earn high grades.  I wanted to just learn the material and not perform as requested by my instructors.  The proverbial experiment was to see if people would even care if my grades did not reflect my capabilities.  How could I display that though?  So maybe my premise was misguided from the beginning and I continued toward a predictable ending.  Failure.  It is not easy to tell from the writing but the time span of these topics flipped and was never simultaneous.  In my younger years, I was perceived as smart but not likable.  Then much later I gained some notoriety but nobody suspected I was the sharpest tool in the shed.  Then I developed the mindset that instants are simply that.  Words, encounters and feelings are all temporary.  The only thing that has longevity and is permanent in my life is myself.  The remedy, in my mind, was merely to spend every day in the eye of the storm and wait for the moments to pass.  Before it I am Obioku, after it I am Obioku and whatever title is assigned in between was basically earned or given.  But the value of the moniker was expressive more for the provider rather than the receiver.  The resolution, itself, left me kind of cold and emotionless.  Never any high points or low points.  That is another course of correction I had to implement.  Enjoying the smiles and understanding the cries is a normal part of life.  We live in a world where you can always establish the standard of what and who you should be.  It is healthy to have an optimistic attitude and project a positive image of yourself.  I am still working towards that now but it is part of the ongoing process of my road to recovery.